I got the job I wanted. You're "looking" at the new assistant manager for Pac Sun. Yeeeeaaaahhh booooooooiiiiiiiii!!! lol I'm happy I got it but mainly because I wasn't expecting it at all. I don't know why I was so negative about it. That is a topic that seems to come up a lot when people talk to me. I've been told I'm incredibly negative. To some people, I'm the most negative person they know. I feel like I can't help it; that it's almost uncontrollable. I had a long ass conversation with Dragos tonight about all my problems...again. Part of me wants to try and fix them so that he won't leave me but the other part wants to say "Fuck it, if he doesn't like it than he can leave". A lot of people would find me to be very retarded if I actually did that. Why am I so stubborn? Why can't I compromise on anything? I think I know why. I think I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. Some people just aren't meant for certain things and I don't think I'm meant to do the whole marriage thing. I've never looked at a wedding dress and thought "gosh, i cant wait to wear that one day!" or if I saw a wedding ring, I never thought "i hope someone will buy one for me". I really don't care if it ever happens but I'm pretty sure women are supposed to care. Why don't i care? In movies, when a girl gets engaged, she will usually show the ring to her friends to see the reaction. I only have one friend who is married but when i saw her ring for the first time, i just said "oh its nice". I didn't freak out and go "oh my god! I'm so jealous...i cant wait to get married!" Well I don't know of anyone who has ever said those exact words but you know what i mean. Ive never been excited thinking about marriage. Ive never really thought about it. Most girls know everything about their wedding before they have a husband/boyfriend. I have never thought about that shit before because I just don't care. I've never seen myself as a long term girlfriend. I've only seen myself as a short term girlfriend/booty call. What is the point in wasting time in long relationships if its not going to end up working out? I know everyone is different and I'm not trying to offend, but I just don't get it. This is probably a clear sign that I have huge commitment/attachment issues. Dragos knows these things about me too. Why the hell does he want to stay with me if he knows all of these things? Relationships are so damn confusing.
Ugh Goodnight
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Maybe because you see your parents relationship and you don't really know how good a marriage can be. I know I shouldn't talk because I don't have the best family life either but I do think that has a part in it. I do hope you guys can work things out though..and if Dragos is THE one haha then you will know and wedding stuff will probably start to excite you.
ReplyDeleteFocus on the relationship part.. eff the ring and the dress. That stuff doesn't matter anyways ya know? just because you don't get excited about the WEDDING or the symbols of marriage (like the ring) doesn't mean that you are not meant to be married. It is about sharing your life with someone, and if you want to share your life with Dragos.... for the rest of your life.... then that is all you need to know. All the other crap is what we "have" to do because it is tradition.
ReplyDelete<3 you