:(

It's amazing how broke I am right now. This sucks. We dont even have enough for rent. I dont get my first pay check from pac sun until April 16th. It should be a good sized check though. I'm saving most of it for an apartment. I hope we get the loft! i love that place. It's so cute. Anyways, I am so tired. I'm on my lunch break and all I wanna do is sleep. I think I'm gonna go to bed early tonight. Like 11? Yeah, that sounds good. okay! Back to work. :/

Score!

I got the job I wanted. You're "looking" at the new assistant manager for Pac Sun. Yeeeeaaaahhh booooooooiiiiiiiii!!! lol I'm happy I got it but mainly because I wasn't expecting it at all. I don't know why I was so negative about it. That is a topic that seems to come up a lot when people talk to me. I've been told I'm incredibly negative. To some people, I'm the most negative person they know. I feel like I can't help it; that it's almost uncontrollable. I had a long ass conversation with Dragos tonight about all my problems...again. Part of me wants to try and fix them so that he won't leave me but the other part wants to say "Fuck it, if he doesn't like it than he can leave". A lot of people would find me to be very retarded if I actually did that. Why am I so stubborn? Why can't I compromise on anything? I think I know why. I think I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. Some people just aren't meant for certain things and I don't think I'm meant to do the whole marriage thing. I've never looked at a wedding dress and thought "gosh, i cant wait to wear that one day!" or if I saw a wedding ring, I never thought "i hope someone will buy one for me". I really don't care if it ever happens but I'm pretty sure women are supposed to care. Why don't i care? In movies, when a girl gets engaged, she will usually show the ring to her friends to see the reaction. I only have one friend who is married but when i saw her ring for the first time, i just said "oh its nice". I didn't freak out and go "oh my god! I'm so jealous...i cant wait to get married!" Well I don't know of anyone who has ever said those exact words but you know what i mean. Ive never been excited thinking about marriage. Ive never really thought about it. Most girls know everything about their wedding before they have a husband/boyfriend. I have never thought about that shit before because I just don't care. I've never seen myself as a long term girlfriend. I've only seen myself as a short term girlfriend/booty call. What is the point in wasting time in long relationships if its not going to end up working out? I know everyone is different and I'm not trying to offend, but I just don't get it. This is probably a clear sign that I have huge commitment/attachment issues. Dragos knows these things about me too. Why the hell does he want to stay with me if he knows all of these things? Relationships are so damn confusing.

Ugh Goodnight

I was told about this website through a few friends, but had such a hard time coming up with my own title. I chose "Life of an Insomniac" because that is all I am now-a-days, an insomniac. On average, people are supposed to get 8 hours of sleep per night which times 7 days a week, that's 56 hours. I get about 30-35 hours of sleep in a 7 day period. Why can't I sleep? Beats me, but I deal with it. My life consists of work, friends, family, and boyfriend. Work: I can't seem to feel the need to care for this place. The longer I stay there, the more I hate it. Hopefully this new job will work out. Friends: I only have a few but they are keepers. Most people I meet are pointless in my life. I'm not the person who needs a million friends to be happy. I like having my 4 that I really need. Everyone else is just in the background. Family: A frustrating bunch. My dad could care less what anyone has to say because he is the man of the house and will always be right about anything and everything. My mom is tired and sick 24/7 but who could blame her? Her situation is sad. My younger brother isn't so bad except he has a lifestyle that I don't exactly approve of. My older brother seems to be more "normal" but we also never really got a long. I don't know why but we didn't. I haven't seen him in a very long time. Boyfriend: He has been so incredibly sweet to me since we started dating. I don't think I'll ever get why he wants me but maybe one day I'll see it. I do love him though, very much. Anyways, blogging is weird. I don't really know what to write about. I guess this first one was "describing my life". Ill write again when I know what to say.